Safety isn’t declared

When I first meet a client who doesn’t feel safe in their body or environment, one of the most important things I remember is this: telling someone they are safe can feel like gaslighting.

If a person’s nervous system is dysregulated, or their history has taught them that safety isn’t reliable, simply saying “You’re safe” can land as a denial of their lived reality. They don’t feel safe and, in that moment, their body is telling the truth of their experience. To insist otherwise can make them feel unseen or even invalidated.

So instead of rushing to reassurance, I start with something gentler and truer for the moment:

“You will be okay.”

This phrase acknowledges that safety is something we build, not something we impose. Over time, through trust, consistency, and co-regulation, the nervous system begins to soften. Bit by bit, the body learns that it can settle that it can have moments of ease.

Eventually, when the relationship and the body both feel ready, the words “You are okay” or “You are safe” become real not as an instruction, but as a recognition of what’s already beginning to take root.

Safety isn’t declared.

It’s discovered, slowly, relationally, and through the body.